Posted by
Grace on Tuesday, August 07, 2007 2:09:45 AM
Sonia Nazario, of the Los Angeles Times wrote an article that every pro-life person has an obligation to read interpret and understand. At first, after reading her Sunday article Part 1 I was going to claim she thought the adoptive mother was brilliant. In reality after reading Part 2 on Monday, it appears she attempted to give the whole issue a fair shake. I was however very disappointed with the lack of a successful example of open adoption and the failure to provide more complete information on the study details used with her two articles. The article appeared in the Sunday, August 5th edition of the Los Angeles Times.
The lesson learned from the article is never let adults performing experiments in the hopes of writing books adopt children (who will be their living specimens). Dorothea McArthur, the adoptive mother reminds me of others in history who wontedly conducted experiments on living human beings, without the persons consent or knowledge.
Who keeps a daily journal of every sputtering of an infant? Answer Dorothea. Who among us, who has raised children believes that children as young as 4 can absorb someone callously explaining to them “This lady didn’t have the time, money or a daddy to raise you the right way. So she gave you to us to raise.”1 Answer Dorothea. Even an adult would have a hard time processing this psycho babble. A child will simply understand he/she is a burden who takes up a lot of time, money and needs a daddy (so much for single parents and widows).
This type of crap makes expectant mothers considering adoption terrified to place a child up for adoption. There seems to be an unspoken reason the McArthur’s had to go through a private adoption. We routinely accuse the public officials of not being lenient enough in allowing people to adopt. However, in the McArthur's case, the public officials may have gotten it right.
The poor birth mother faced with the sad reality that she had created a life she was unable to financially support had no chance in the private adoption world. Clearly she didn’t have the resources to demand an independent psychological evaluation of the prospective parents. It was never disclosed to her that Dorothea McArthur was adopting this child to perform a research study on adoption on the child (the child would be her specimen). She looked at the MacArthur’s credentials and saw David MacArthur a psycho-physiological researcher from UCLA and Dorothea MacArthur a PhD in Clinical Psychology and double master degree holder as an educated couple that would open door for her daughter.
To this observer it is truly evil what these so-called professionals in human behavior did to this little girl. They diagnosed her with all sorts of issues, from behavioral problems to social disorders. They blamed every problem on her birth parents or genetics, never looking into their abysmal parenting skills. Maybe moving her from school to school frequently contributed to these problems. Maybe the diabolical clinical psychologists were doing this to see how much stress they could inflict on a child before she exploded. Of course she questioned her stability; her adoptive parents provided none, constantly yanking her away from people.
Once Dorothea decided to include the child’s birth mother in her life, she only proceeded in using this information as another weapon in her assault against the small child. She used visits as rewards/punishment. As if she was cancelling a play date with a friend, and not cancelling the professed bonding experience she was claiming to be so forward thinking in creating. This was when I got nauseous and looked closely for the girl’s current age as if she was still a minor she needed to be immediately removed from the cruel and inhumane McArthur’s. Alas, she is now a full grown adult.
Clearly as evidenced by the heated call before the birth mother’s deployment when the child was 11, Dorothea was pushing around the child and manipulating her into making unreasonable demands of her birth mother. What happened to the keychain Kendall received from her mother? Was it really “lost”? Why was Kendall worried about being Jewish? Who put these thoughts in the young girls head, that it was okay to be Christian and police men would arrest you if you were Jewish, what on earth were the McArthur’s drilling into this young child’s head? Why wasn’t she raised in the faith of her adoptive family? All the adopted children I have encountered in my life were raised in the faith (Jewish or Christian) of their adoptive parents and this provided stability and love, regardless of the faith of the birth mother.
Often within the body of the article, we hear of Dorothea’s theory that Kendall’s childhood and later adolescent behavioral issues are all due to her status as an adopted child. Get real, after years and years of study and education and degrees, she failed to get the basics of a child, they push you to see where your limits are on different issues. If you never set boundaries, because you believe the child is insecure, you have simply failed the child. Learned people frequently are very knowledgeable and have no common sense.
Dorothea treated Kendal like she was different; she was never treated just like a child that needed to be loved. She was horrendously cruel to this little girl by failing to provide unconditional love and by only providing psychologically analyzed love. What a shame and a disgrace. This is a text book example of why people don’t trust psychologists. Mind you she may have been doing the best she could, but her initial desire to write a book about her adoptive experience belies that belief. Kendall is remarkable in displaying the resilience and unconditional love of a child, she still loves Dorothea. Bravo for her maybe now she can teach Dorothea to love.
The article goes on to talk about how the child was made to feel inadequate intellectually within the boundaries of her home. It is the sole responsibility of a parent to boost a child’s self esteem. Academic achievement is not the only path to success and failure, to fail to recognize this is further evidence of the pitiful state of Kendall’s adoptive parents.
The final injury is seen in how Kendal describes open adoption to her birth mother within the article she states “Open adoption really helped me understand who I am- where I came from and why I am the person I am,”2 Somehow the McArthur’s convinced this poor child that her birth parents pre-destined her to a life of drugs, sex and out of wedlock pregnancy. I don’t buy that for a second. It was her adoptive parents who set her up with the horse trainer who introduced her to the person who hooked her on drugs and eventually impregnated her. The McArthur’s are pathetic blame layers, they need a mirror. They need to ask themselves how many times did they dump, Kendall at the stables, alone to be looked after by the trainer. This is on their shoulders solely!
For some reason Kendall was taught that adoption should bring on a sense of loss. Even in an open adoption, a child should never ever have the impression or the feeling that they lost something, they didn’t they gained something. Another set of individuals to love them, with all their hearts unconditionally. Clearly the McArthur’s never gave Kendall this feeling of unconditional love. Instead they chose to psycho analyze everything she did within the narrow prism of her adoption, blaming everything, every foible on her birth parents being a less than perfect people.
A least Dorothea had the rare burst of common sense to apologize to the birth mother for making her “feel bad”. Dorothea seems self centered, with a need to make a lot of people feel bad.
It is heart breaking to hear that Dorothea McArthur is trusted to work with other adoptive children. Her status with children should be reviewed in the hopes of protecting other minor children from her irrational, supercilious and twisted sense of what being a loving parent truly means. The article in the end showed some love, but it seemed to come more from David who insisted Dorothea allow Kendall, pregnant and homeless, back into their home.
The most common sense thing found in the companion article was that birth mothers should “become like a loving aunt”. This makes sense, then the child can understand the extra love, this person is just an extension of the family. Not a pariah or a person at whose feet, the adoptive parents can lay all the wrong doing of the adoptive child.
Reporter Sonia Nazario cites a Minnesota-Texas Adoption Research Project which found 50% of children in closed adoptions wanted them to stay closed and 50% of children in closed adoption felt a sense of loss. I wonder why did all these children in closed adoptions know they were adopted, if the adoption is closed why was it so important to point out to the child that they were adopted?
There are many issues that the experts seem to have ignored or the reporter failed to report on, how many of the children who have been adopted and were not told of their adoption status had all the reported problems of the children told they were adopted. We also have no information regarding how many of the children in the study who had behavior problems were born with medical issues (such as fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.). There is no mention of a control for these issues, which would clearly skew results.
It seems to me that people who feel an urgent need to tell a minor child that they were given up and were adopted, really more desperately need to feel rewarded and praised for the fact that they adopted a child. It is to their advantage to tell the child.
I am not going to tell anyone that closed adoption is better than open adoption, but why when a child is child, do adults feel the need to dump all of their personal garbage on the shoulders of the child. Let the child be a child. The child does not need to know they have been adopted until they are a legal adult. Surely any medical crisis can be discretely handled by competent adults. And the Auntie/Uncle option seems grand for the birth parents within open adoptions.
Adoptive parents who feel the need to tell children who are very small that they have been adopted are selfish cruel individuals. Children do not think about these issues. I would gander that it is the rare child that asks his parents… “Am I really yours?” It is presumed. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this presumption.
Further, if we look at the Disaster of Dorothea’s experiment we find repeated occasions where the child was compared to her birth parents, for bad judgments based on her birth parents behaviors. I thought psychiatrists believed that humans learned behaviors and that their behaviors were not innate. Dorothea seems to have treated her adoptive child as having the DNA of a chimp, or other non-human animals and assumed she acted in certain ways because of her birth parents, nonsense, and what a load of … garbage. Shame on her and she should give her degrees back and resign any position that allows her to counsel children. The behaviors her adopted child exhibited throughout her life were all learned, and learned by her primary care givers, her adoptive parents.
Stories like this make it very hard for young woman with crisis pregnancies to choose adoption as an option. The article points out how the birth mother is tormented by the problems her child encountered as a teen, and wondered would she have faired better with her? Yipes! Adoption is a wonderful option. It seems that open adoption may work in some cases, but when people enter with an ulterior motive (Dorothea’s book) it is an uphill battle.
I think of a family I know of, whose daughter was faced with a crisis pregnancy. She was to give birth to a Downs Syndrome baby, her husband was outraged that she dared to consider having the child. He flatly advised he would leave her if she did. She compromised and made the heart breaking decision to offer her child up for adoption. They found a wonderful group that places Downs’s babies with loving homes experienced in raising children with this condition.
The adoption is open. The mother and father do not take that much advantage of the open adoption, but the grand mother takes every opportunity to visit the baby. The baby is in a wonderful home and is truly loved and valued.
In the end we need to write articles that encourage adoption and don’t make it sound so scary to birth mothers, prospective parents and the children who find themselves, to be adopted. Adoption should be held in high esteem by society and looked upon as the overwhelming expression of love that it truly is in most cases.
1 Quote from page A24 Sunday Valley Edition of the Los Angeles Times, by Sonia Nazario.
2 Quote from page A14 Monday Valley Edition of the Los Angeles Times, by Sonia Nazario